Green grass, and other realizations about Divorce...

Something occurred to me this weekend. I think I might possibly be unintentionally glamorizing my Divorce. I think my Facebook posts about all of the crazy mud runs, night clubs, casinos, concerts, and other escapades are painting a story that's really not true, and I wanted to set the record straight.

Divorce is ugly. And Divorce with kids involved is a nightmare I can't even put into words. This year on Thanksgiving, I will be eating dinner without my kids. They are 3, 5 and 7 and they will not share Thanksgiving dinner with their mother. Last year, I spent Christmas day in tears, because my kids weren't there to share it with me. I miss family events at school on nights when I don't have custody.

I have 3 sweet, beautiful little children who mean the world to me, but I miss out on 40% of their life. I don't get to tuck them in every night and I don't get to be a part of their every day life. I feel like I've failed them because I couldn't keep my marriage together.

Divorce, and mainly just not having my kids with me every day is an ugly nightmare from which I'll never wake up. So, what do I do when they're not with me? How do I avoid the sickening feeling I get when I am at my house by myself without my kids and missing them like crazy? I do all of the things I didn't have time to do when I was with my kids full time - all of the things I dreamed of doing when I was with my kids 24/7 and felt like I had zero time for myself.

I run in races, I climb mountains, I run through fire, I go out to clubs, and I act like I'm in my 20's again. On Facebook, you see the muddy pictures, the restaurants, concerts and trips. But, you don't see the tears hiding behind my smiling face. Every bit of the jet-setting lifestyle I share with my Facebook friends is really just a coping mechanism for the loss I feel when I'm without my kids.

Those of you who don't know me well only see the little clips of my life that I choose to expose to the online world. I only share the ugly parts of my feelings with my circle of Divorced friends, because there's no way anyone could possibly fathom what it's like, unless they've been through it themselves. And I also don't want to bring anyone down.

I could wallow in sadness about what I've lost, or I can consciously choose to focus on whatever good I can pull from this experience. I post about the good things, and I choose to focus on the good things, make the most of my "me time," and learn to accept the bad things instead of letting them bring me down (at least when I can - I'm not always good at it).

I recently told a friend that Divorce is a horrible nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. She was talking about my "new life" and how amazing it seemed, and I think she was a little jealous. It's understandable. She's a full time mom with close to zero "me time," and the grass looks so much greener over on my side of the world. What she doesn't realize is that I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to have my kids with me all of the time.

The grass isn't greener on the other side. The only way to get green grass is to do your best to water your own.

What’s My Excuse?

A little over a year ago, I saw a picture of a man with 2 prosthetic legs finishing a Tough Mudder, with the caption: What’s Your Excuse? I saw another similar picture of a runner with the same caption. This week, a picture of a fit mom with 3 young kids has been circulating through social media with the same headline: What’s Your Excuse? 

These pictures inspire me to make a plan instead of making excuses if I want something. Almost anything is possible in this world if you do what it takes to get it. Yet why does “doing what it takes” often seem impossible? Because it's usually really, really HARD! 

The concept of "doing what it takes" is different for everyone. For someone with a fast metabolism, it might take less effort. For someone with a slower metabolism, or other circumstances, it may take more effort. But it is possible. The question is, does "doing what it takes" fit into your life and does it make sense with everything else that's going on in your life? Another thing to consider is that "doing what it takes" doesn’t always make you happy (or mean that you’re happy).

This picture was taken of me a year and a half ago, when I was in my best physical condition. It was 4 days after my marriage fell apart. I was smiling and strong on the outside, but absolutely miserable on the inside. For years, I was in an unhappy marriage and slowly sinking into a deep depression. About 6 months before this picture was taken, I started working out because I needed a distraction from the mess my life was becoming, not because I wanted to be fit. I found that exercising made me feel better about myself, gave me something to work towards and kept me sane through a really tough time in my life. The physical side effects were just a bonus in my mind.

I would have given anything to linger in bed with a man who loved me on Saturday mornings, instead of setting my alarm early to get up for boot camp. But, that wasn’t my reality. If given the choice, I’d pick sitting on the couch eating a pint of ice cream and watching a movie with my soul mate, over running on the treadmill late at night so I could get that “runner’s high” and feel happy inside, instead of miserable. Some people self-medicate with food, drugs, alcohol or even sometimes work. The truth is, we’re all usually struggling with something on the inside, and our outside appearance rarely matches our feelings on the inside. Hence, the sayings: “Don’t judge a book by its cover” and “fat and happy”.

The mom who posted the picture, asking: “What’s Your Excuse?” was just trying to make people understand that it’s possible to get fit, even with obstacles in your way – whether they be having young kids, having no legs, or something else. Her intent wasn’t to tell people that she’s better than they are. I don’t look like the superhero in that picture anymore, but I’m settling into my life now and actually really happy.

I’m a single mom with 3 wonderful kids, a job that I love and a boyfriend who makes me feel special. I’d rather carry around a few extra pounds and feel loved and happy. I'm still running and conquering all kinds of crazy races, but that's just part of what makes me happy. That’s MY excuse. But that’s just my choice. Everyone has a choice, and that’s what makes this life so amazingly beautiful.