Big moments for me this year...

Big moments for me this year...
(in no particular order)

1. Zachary and Annabelle ran their first 5Ks with me, not because I suggested it or encouraged it, but simply because they wanted to be a part of everything that running has brought to my life.
2. I touched Richie Sambora's AND Jon Bon Jovi's hands during concerts!!!
3. I bought my house, even though I had to go through the entire mortgage process twice.
4. I finalized my divorce, closing one of the most difficult chapters of my life.
5. I ended a relationship with someone who I loved very much - twice.
6. I finished the last 2 miles of a Spartan Race with a broken ankle, not skipping one obstacle or burpee!
7. I re-learned what it's like to have to wait for your paycheck to come in before you can pay a bill or buy Christmas presents.
8. I learned that prayer and positive thinking can get you through even the very worst of times.
9. I cried at work in front of my co-workers - more than once.
10. I've proven to myself (and hopefully others) that what does not kill us really does make us stronger.

Happy New Year, my friends!
XOXO

Green grass, and other realizations about Divorce...

Something occurred to me this weekend. I think I might possibly be unintentionally glamorizing my Divorce. I think my Facebook posts about all of the crazy mud runs, night clubs, casinos, concerts, and other escapades are painting a story that's really not true, and I wanted to set the record straight.

Divorce is ugly. And Divorce with kids involved is a nightmare I can't even put into words. This year on Thanksgiving, I will be eating dinner without my kids. They are 3, 5 and 7 and they will not share Thanksgiving dinner with their mother. Last year, I spent Christmas day in tears, because my kids weren't there to share it with me. I miss family events at school on nights when I don't have custody.

I have 3 sweet, beautiful little children who mean the world to me, but I miss out on 40% of their life. I don't get to tuck them in every night and I don't get to be a part of their every day life. I feel like I've failed them because I couldn't keep my marriage together.

Divorce, and mainly just not having my kids with me every day is an ugly nightmare from which I'll never wake up. So, what do I do when they're not with me? How do I avoid the sickening feeling I get when I am at my house by myself without my kids and missing them like crazy? I do all of the things I didn't have time to do when I was with my kids full time - all of the things I dreamed of doing when I was with my kids 24/7 and felt like I had zero time for myself.

I run in races, I climb mountains, I run through fire, I go out to clubs, and I act like I'm in my 20's again. On Facebook, you see the muddy pictures, the restaurants, concerts and trips. But, you don't see the tears hiding behind my smiling face. Every bit of the jet-setting lifestyle I share with my Facebook friends is really just a coping mechanism for the loss I feel when I'm without my kids.

Those of you who don't know me well only see the little clips of my life that I choose to expose to the online world. I only share the ugly parts of my feelings with my circle of Divorced friends, because there's no way anyone could possibly fathom what it's like, unless they've been through it themselves. And I also don't want to bring anyone down.

I could wallow in sadness about what I've lost, or I can consciously choose to focus on whatever good I can pull from this experience. I post about the good things, and I choose to focus on the good things, make the most of my "me time," and learn to accept the bad things instead of letting them bring me down (at least when I can - I'm not always good at it).

I recently told a friend that Divorce is a horrible nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. She was talking about my "new life" and how amazing it seemed, and I think she was a little jealous. It's understandable. She's a full time mom with close to zero "me time," and the grass looks so much greener over on my side of the world. What she doesn't realize is that I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to have my kids with me all of the time.

The grass isn't greener on the other side. The only way to get green grass is to do your best to water your own.

What’s My Excuse?

A little over a year ago, I saw a picture of a man with 2 prosthetic legs finishing a Tough Mudder, with the caption: What’s Your Excuse? I saw another similar picture of a runner with the same caption. This week, a picture of a fit mom with 3 young kids has been circulating through social media with the same headline: What’s Your Excuse? 

These pictures inspire me to make a plan instead of making excuses if I want something. Almost anything is possible in this world if you do what it takes to get it. Yet why does “doing what it takes” often seem impossible? Because it's usually really, really HARD! 

The concept of "doing what it takes" is different for everyone. For someone with a fast metabolism, it might take less effort. For someone with a slower metabolism, or other circumstances, it may take more effort. But it is possible. The question is, does "doing what it takes" fit into your life and does it make sense with everything else that's going on in your life? Another thing to consider is that "doing what it takes" doesn’t always make you happy (or mean that you’re happy).

This picture was taken of me a year and a half ago, when I was in my best physical condition. It was 4 days after my marriage fell apart. I was smiling and strong on the outside, but absolutely miserable on the inside. For years, I was in an unhappy marriage and slowly sinking into a deep depression. About 6 months before this picture was taken, I started working out because I needed a distraction from the mess my life was becoming, not because I wanted to be fit. I found that exercising made me feel better about myself, gave me something to work towards and kept me sane through a really tough time in my life. The physical side effects were just a bonus in my mind.

I would have given anything to linger in bed with a man who loved me on Saturday mornings, instead of setting my alarm early to get up for boot camp. But, that wasn’t my reality. If given the choice, I’d pick sitting on the couch eating a pint of ice cream and watching a movie with my soul mate, over running on the treadmill late at night so I could get that “runner’s high” and feel happy inside, instead of miserable. Some people self-medicate with food, drugs, alcohol or even sometimes work. The truth is, we’re all usually struggling with something on the inside, and our outside appearance rarely matches our feelings on the inside. Hence, the sayings: “Don’t judge a book by its cover” and “fat and happy”.

The mom who posted the picture, asking: “What’s Your Excuse?” was just trying to make people understand that it’s possible to get fit, even with obstacles in your way – whether they be having young kids, having no legs, or something else. Her intent wasn’t to tell people that she’s better than they are. I don’t look like the superhero in that picture anymore, but I’m settling into my life now and actually really happy.

I’m a single mom with 3 wonderful kids, a job that I love and a boyfriend who makes me feel special. I’d rather carry around a few extra pounds and feel loved and happy. I'm still running and conquering all kinds of crazy races, but that's just part of what makes me happy. That’s MY excuse. But that’s just my choice. Everyone has a choice, and that’s what makes this life so amazingly beautiful.

Tough Mudder - Round 2!

On June 1st, 2013 I completed my 2nd Tough Mudder. There were so many differences between this one and my first one. But, for the purpose of this blog post, I'll focus on the ones that I remember most vividly.

Completed this obstacle on my first try
this year. Last year, it took 3 trys
to get up that wall!

I completed the course in 90+ degree heat.
Last year, it was 30 degrees when the race started, and there were icicles all over the barbed wire. Every time I completed a water obstacle (and there are a ton of water obstacles in Tough Mudder,) I was more and more chilled to the bone. I don't think I've ever been as cold in my life as I was at my first Tough Mudder!

This year, I was sweating in 90+ degree heat, but the sun was shining, and those water obstacles were fabulous and refreshing. I was actually happy that I couldn't get all the way across the monkey bars or the rings this year, because that meant I got to fall into a cool and refreshing (although somewhat smelly) water pit. I didn't even care that several people had probably used those water pits as their alternate port-a-potty option for the day. That water felt soooo good!

I didn't train nearly as much this time.
When I registered for my first Tough Mudder, I was seriously concerned about injuring myself, and I had doubts that I'd be able to complete the course. It looked so crazy and difficult, and it was something I couldn't picture myself doing well. I had no idea how those people in the videos were able to get through those obstacles, and I wasn't taking any chances. I trained like a maniac, attending every Tough Mudder class I could fit into my schedule at the Y and I even hired a personal trainer for extra help.

After having completed the Tough Mudder once before, along with several other races, I got a little lazy with my training. I was was a little nervous about how I'd do this time with less training, but I still got through the course without too much trouble and kept up with the people in the front of our group. I even did better on some of the obstacles this year. Maybe it was because I wasn't fighting hypothermia!

The Electric Eel was completely different!
The Electric Eel is an obstacle where you army crawl on your belly through a pond of water with live electric wires dangling throughout. There's no way to avoid the wires and no way to know which wires are live. So, you randomly get shocked throughout this obstacle - and it HURTS! Some people even black out from those shocks. Last year, I got shocked like 5 times during that obstacle. 

This is a picture of me getting shocked last year!

This year, I didn't get shocked once going through The Electric Eel. Some people said they got shocked, but most people said they didn't feel anything. There was a lack of water in parts of the pond this year, maybe that's why. The water kept evaporating from the heat, so during much of this obstacle, I was army crawling over black tarp that was a zillion degrees from the sun and burned my arms like crazy. Last year, I was screaming from the shocks, and this year, I was screaming from the burns on my arms. I must say, I prefer the burns to the shocks though.

Walk The Plank was much more controlled.
The "Walk The Plank" obstacle is an obstacle where you climb up to a 15-20 foot platform and jump into either a natural or man-made lake. Last year, the volunteers/staff at the top of the plank were yelling at everyone like drill sergeants, and telling them to "find some real estate and jump."

After a Tough Mudder death in West Virginia a few months ago at this very same obstacle, it appears Tough Mudder has made some changes to how this obstacle is run. This year, I think the plank was closer to the 15 ft. height than the 20 ft. height. Also, when I got to the top of the plank, there was a volunteer/staff member in between each platform, who looked you in the eye, asked you if you knew how to swim, asked you if you were OK, and told you to wait until the person in front of you surfaces and starts to swim away before jumping. It was calm on top of the platform this year, but still very scary!

I finished the course in significantly less time!
This year, I was running with the group at the Y who takes Lindsay Peters' boot camp class. These people are beyond fit, because Lindsay kicks their butts on a weekly basis. She also has a great fitness blog. Running with the boot camp crew made a huge difference in my time this year, because they were always moving and doing their best to get through the course as quickly as possible. I have to say, I prefer the constant moving and running, as well as the added bonus of finishing much more quickly.

All in all, I have to say, I enjoyed this Tough Mudder significantly more than my first one, but that first Tough Mudder will forever hold a place in my heart. It's what drove me to start becoming active and helped me to find a healthy way to relieve stress during a difficult time in my life. That first event gave me the confidence to attempt and finish a Marathon that year, which was something I would have previously thought was never possible for someone like me. And for that, I'll be forever grateful.

You never know if you can do it, unless you try.

I remember Annabelle's first 1 mile fun run last year at the YMCA. She was tired, and there was a woman walking/jogging with a dog at the back of the race. She told Annabelle that she had to beat the dog, because once the dog crosses the finish line, the race is over. Every time that dog's footsteps got close to Annabelle, she would start running a little faster. It was a bit of a struggle for her to finish that 1 mile race, but she did it.

I was nervous about Annabelle running a 5K, but I was also nervous about me running a marathon in November, and I did it. So, I knew she could do it if it was something she really wanted. I asked her a few times if she wanted to run the 5K or the 1 mile race, as the weeks went by, and she kept insisting that she wanted to do the 5K. I certainly wasn't going to tell her that she couldn't do it. After all, I know better now about setting limits.

 

As the Doylestown 5K got closer, the weather forecast got worse and worse. That week, there was lots of rain and cold temperatures, and there was a 30% chance of rain on race day. Annabelle HATES the cold and rain. It was raining at Disney last summer, and she wanted to go back to the hotel room, instead of staying at the park. I knew the rain would make Annabelle's first 5K a negative experience, and feared she'd never want to do another one after that.

 

Fortunately, race day was beautiful and sunny, even though it was a little chilly. We arrived early for the race and watched the kids fun run. Annabelle was so excited for the 5K to start. At the starting line, she kept looking around and smiling at me. It was so sweet! The race started and we were off.

 

Annabelle sprinted in the beginning of the race, and got tired quickly. As she worriedly looked at other runners passing us, I told her it was OK to slow down. She said, "But, people are beating me." I told her that lots of adults can't even run a 5K, and that just finishing the race would be amazing, even if she was in last place.

 

During the race, she would speed up and sprint, every time someone cheered for her or said an encouraging word along the course. Then, she would get tired, and slow down and tell me that she was "so tired." After we passed 1 mile, I told her that she already ran further than she'd ever run before, and I congratulated her. After we passed a mile and a half, I kept telling her we have less than half way to go. These are all things I tell myself when I'm running a tough race, and it always helps me.

 

Throughout the race, I reminded her that she could slow down to get her energy back, and just told her to put one foot in front of the other, and eventually she would get to the finish line. This is another thing I tell myself during races when I'm getting tired, or when I feel like I want to quit. Sometimes, when you're doing something that's really challenging, you can't think about how far you have to go. You just have to focus on every baby step along the way, or you'll be overwhelmed. The baby steps are doable, so if you focus on them one-by-one, you'll eventually get there.

 

By the end of the race, Annabelle was so exhausted, and she was almost in tears, saying "I'm so tired." I just kept telling her that she was doing great, and she was almost there. Sometimes, being reminded about the good things can take your mind off the bad ones.

 

As we approached the finish line, the announcer found Annabelle's name by looking at her bib number. He said, "And here comes Annabelle Peters! Great job, Annabelle!" Everyone along the finish line was pointing at her in amazement and cheering for her. I was so proud of her! She was the youngest person registered for the 5K that day, and she finished it.

 

Along the course, one of the runners pointed to her and said, "That's my inspiration right there." I smiled at him, and thought about his comment. Annabelle is my inspiration, too. Everyone who we told about the race was in shock that Annabelle finished that 5K. One of my friends said it was amazing and commented that she couldn't ever run a 5K. But, the truth is, Annabelle is proof that anyone can do it if they really want to. Mind over matter. It works every time!

 

On the way home from the race, Annabelle said to me, "You know what, Mommy? You never know if you can do it, unless you try." And she's right...

The Boston Marathon

Before I became a runner, I didn't pay much attention to upcoming marathons or any other races for that matter. But, once I started running, I paid attention to every article, Facebook post or motivational running story I saw. One story really hit home for me. It was the story of Bobbi Gibb, the first woman to run and complete the Boston Marathon in 1966.

I couldn't believe that just 8 years before I was born, women weren't even allowed to run in marathons! But, this brave lady crashed the Boston Marathon and ran anyway - and she finished, even though people were trying to push her off the course.

I had heard this story many times and seen many pictures of her, and although I haven't run in that marathon, it's held a special place in my heart because of the history that was made there so many years ago.

When I first started running, it was just a part of my training for the Tough Mudder. I had decided to do this insane obstacle course, which entailed running through live electric wires, over burning logs, through mud pits, under barbed wire, through dumpsters of ice water and over walls. It was something I never thought I could do...but, it was something I truly wanted to accomplish.

When I announced to people that I was planning to do this, many people didn't believe me. Some even made fun of me, saying I would have to run with the "remedial" group of runners, and others told me that it wasn't "me."

The story of Bobbi finishing the Boston Marathon was one of the things that inspired me during my training for Tough Mudder, and ultimately inspired me to finish multiple races that year, including the Philadelphia Marathon in November of 2012.

Running (especially in races,) has been my personal therapy over the past year. It's given me a place where I feel stronger and more powerful than ever before, both mentally and physically. It's an escape for me, and I know it is for many other runners.

When I heard about the explosions at the finish line yesterday, I was in shock and disbelief. My safe place, my refuge and my source of strength had been attacked. I thought about the horror at the finish line and cried for the people who were killed or catastrophically injured. I thought about my friend Mary, who was running the Boston Marathon for the first time that day, and wondered if she and her husband were OK.

I  thought about the runners who never got to cross the finish line, and those runners who kept running to the local hospitals to donate blood to the victims. I thought about the people who rushed towards the injured to do whatever they could to help, and I thought about the people who opened their homes to those who had nowhere to go after the attack.

I was sad about all of it, and I'm still sad about it and trying to make sense of it. I guess that's partially why I'm writing this blog post. Writing about things sometimes helps me to make sense out of them.

One thing I've realized from all of this is that there is so much more good in this world than bad. Horrible things happen, and I'm not minimizing any of the horror of this attack. But, there are so many moments of goodness that can be spotted along the way.

Hobie Call, who is one of my idols in the obstacle racing community posted this picture on his Facebook page today.

It's so true. We don't know who launched the attack on The Boston Marathon yet, but there were countless "helpers" assisting the injured and even people who weren't there who were praying for everyone's safety.

There were also "helpers" forming a human shield around Bobbi Gibb so she sould finish the marathon without being pushed off the course by people who didn't want her there. There were also lots of "helpers" in my life who helped me to realize that I could attain my goals, regardless of what other people thought or said to me.

I'm supposed to race in the Broad Street Run on May 5th. It's one of the most popular races in the nation, and they're talking about stepping up security, but warning that there's no way to completely prevent another attack.

Honestly, running in the Broad Street Run is scary to me now. I've never been scared to run a race, but the terror experienced at the Boston Marathon yesterday has crept into me, as I'm sure it has crept into many people.

But, I won't let it stop me from running in that race. I will push my fear aside, and cross the finish line for the runners who couldn't cross the finish line yesterday and for the people who were injured so badly that they will never be able to run again. I will do it for those who risked their lives to help the injured runners and spectators, and I will do it for myself as yet another reminder that anything is possible, even in the wake of a tragedy.

A Run With My Son

This post is dedicated to my son, Zachary. Last year, shortly after I started exercising and running, Zachary joined me at some of my races for the kids’ 1 mile fun run beforehand, and even participated in the Y track league for kids. Summer came and went, and then he went back to school in the fall. Shortly after school started, I took the kids up to the Poconos to do a Jr. Spartan race, and Zachary got his first race medal. He asked me for a medal hanger so he could display it, and I got him one for Christmas.

 

During the winter months, my racing schedule had slowed down, and we didn’t really talk much about running. 2013 had arrived, and I started doing races again. I would casually mention to the kids that I was doing a race, but they didn't seem very interested. When the first race of the Bucks 5K series arrived at the Y, I asked the kids if they wanted to do the fun run. It was their first race last year, and mine too. They all gave me a definitive no, and I didn’t pressure them to join me.

 

A couple of weeks later, Zachary said to me, “Mom, do kids run marathons?” I told him I didn’t know if a kid ever ran a marathon before, but that I didn’t see any kids running at my marathon in November. He asked me why no kids were running, and I said, “Well, I guess because it’s really hard to run a marathon. You have to run 26 miles and that’s really far, so most kids get too tired and have to stop running.”

 

Then, he said, “Mom, could I run a marathon?” I told him that he could definitely run a marathon if he practiced really hard. I told him he would need to practice running some shorter races first, and then he could work his way up to running a marathon. He told me he wanted to run a race that was longer than a mile, and I told him he could run with me at my 5K race that Sunday.

 

On race day, he was so excited. At the starting line, he told me he wanted to go to the front, but I told him it was safer to stay in the middle, because the really fast runners get to go first. Then, he told me he wanted to warm up. He started doing jumping jacks, sit ups and squats on the grass. He told me his gym teacher, "Mr. Funny Foster" taught him a trick for running. He taught him to breathe very slowly while he was running, so he could run for a longer period of time. I told him that was a very good trick, and he should try that.

 

The loudspeaker came on, and they played the national anthem. Zachary grabbed my hand. Then, they started playing the theme from Rocky and Zachary smiled at me. The loudspeaker said, “Runners, take your mark.” Zachary planted his feet like he was getting ready to run an Olympic sprint. The foghorn sounded and we were off.

 

Zachary is so competitive, he kept looking behind him to make sure he was still in front of a bunch of people. I had to keep reminding him to look forward and not backwards. I told him not to worry about who was behind him, and focus on where he was going so he wouldn’t trip. I thought to myself about that advice.

 

The advice I gave to Zachary about not looking back applies to so many things in life. The past is the past. If you keep looking back, you’ll miss the amazing things ahead of you. Running makes me very philosophical. It’s really the only time I have to myself without distraction, and even though I was looking out for Zachary during this race, I still found myself thinking very clearly about all kinds of things going on in my life – and making peace with them.

 

I also told Zachary at different times during the race not to stop running, and to keep moving. There were a couple of times when I saw him slowing down and almost walking. I told him to keep using his little bouncy jogging steps, even when he got tired. I told him the little tiny jogging steps would give him the rest when he needed it, but it would also help him to keep moving and prevent him from wanting to stop.

 

I was also thinking about how this applied to life. It’s  so hard to get motivated to start something again if you completely stop, whether it’s dieting, yard work, housecleaning, or even getting a relationship back on track. You can’t neglect things (or people) in your life and stop paying attention to them. When you do, it’s extremely hard to get them going again.

 

During various parts of the race, Zachary grabbed my hand for support. I held his hand, but he was really the one doing all of the work. He just needed to know I was there for him. He did an amazing job during the race, and adults and fellow runners were cheering for him along the course. I told them it was his first 5K and he beamed and started running even faster. I couldn’t have been more proud.

When we approached the finish line, I stayed right next to him. He was sprinting just like I do at the end of a race. I didn’t tell him to do this…I think it was just his instinct. He was so proud of himself. We stood at the finish line for a little bit and watched some of the other runners cross. I told him that he beat all of those people behind us, and he couldn’t stop smiling.

 

We looked at the printed race results after the race, and he asked me what place he came in. He finished that race in 33 minutes and 57 seconds – 360^th place. I told him that he was number 360, but he beat almost a hundred people in that race. When we called my parents on the way home, he was proud to tell them that he beat almost a hundred people. I was so proud of him for focusing on the positives, and I felt so blessed for everything running has brought to my life – and now to my son’s life too.

Starting In The Front Of The Pack

I kicked off my 2013 racing season with a race last Saturday called "The Abominable Slow Man." They gave awards to the fastest and the slowest runners, and I loved the name!

It was a freezing cold morning and the temperature was in the 30's. I hadn't run in a while, yet alone exercised in a while. But, I was excited for my first race of the year! I was so excited, that I moved up towards the front of the pack at the starting line.

When the gun blasted and we were off, most of the runners around me were running faster than me and passing me like crazy. The cold air was tightening my lungs and I felt like I was really out of shape. That little voice inside of me was telling me that I should have trained more, that I wasn't ready to run again, that my laziness over the past few months was coming back to bite me!

Almost everyone seemed to be passing me, and I just kept telling myself, "No matter how slowly you go, you're still lapping everyone at home on the couch." I started saying this to myself during my first half marathon, and now I just keep repeating it in my head whenever I start to feel discouraged during a race.

When I race, I don't wear a Garmin and I don't keep track of how quickly I'm running. I just do my best and listen to my body. When I get close to the finish line, I floor it and run as fast as I can. That's my favorite part of a race...I usually run so fast at the end that I feel like I'm flying! Then, I cross the finish line with my heart pounding and adrenaline shooting through my veins. There is absolutely nothing like it, and I can't recreate it on the treadmill or when I'm just running on my own.

By the middle of the race, the crowd started thinning out a bit and I did pass a few people...not many though. So, I would have guessed that my time was horrible. As I rounded the corner and got closer to the finish line, I looked at the big clock and saw that it was at 26 minutes and I can't remember how many seconds. I almost did a double take.

My fastest 5K time was around 27 and a half minutes, and that's back when I was in prime shape, right after the Tough Mudder, the Broad Street Run and my first Half Marathon last year. I saw that 26 and started running faster than I ever had in my life. I wanted to get to that finish line before the clock hit 27, and I did! I checked the results and I was the 4th female finisher in my age group. I was completely shocked!

So, while starting out with the faster runners did shatter my self confidence towards the beginning of the race, maybe it made me run faster. My "slow" running with the elite runners was actually fast for me, yet I didn't know it. In the past, when I started towards the back of the pack, I was passing lots of people, so I felt like I was going really fast. But, I now realize that I probably wasn't doing my very best.

It's true in running and in regular old life: When you surround yourself by awesome people, you can bring out the best in yourself! Also, don't put limits on yourself. You never know how far or fast you can go when you're running with the right crowd!